Birth Plan = Have a baby?

Before you read: Please note this post is meant to be funny, so please do not get offended in any way. Since I started this blog, I have used it as an outlet for my opinions & feelings- not everyone will agree with me, but I am ok with that...Now, please continue on reading:

After my last post, the topic of "birthing plans" has been mentioned. As you know, this is my first baby so I don't know everything, but I had really never heard of having a "birthing plan". My Doctor is very laid back, and he has been doing this for a LONG time- we have discussed labor, but he has never asked me what my "birthing plan" is. He does however know that I DO want an epidural- maybe even in triage, if possible!(Ha) Besides wanting to know if you want to get an epidural or not- what is included in the "birthing plan"?! For fun I decided to "google" it, and found 2 funny stories:
#1
"A birth plan? A birth plan?" I said it over and over to the nurse who gave me a tour of the birthing room. I couldn't control the laughter, the tears rolled down my cheeks.
In 8 years of birthing babies I had never heard of a "birth plan" until I was about ready to give birth to baby number four. Please, by baby number 4 I didn't even need to have the tour, I knew the drill and what would happen, but I had recently moved across the country to California so I wanted to see the hospital. I mostly wanted to let me 2 and 3 year old see where I would be staying for hopefully at least 24 hours after my drive through delivery.
I regained my composure, took a deep breath and asked the nurse what on earth is a birth plan. Had giving birth gone Hollywood? Would I actually be able to script out the way I got the baby out of me. They had to be insane! I had visions of a director and script writer sitting by my side - the baby crowning and the director yelling, "cut, we're not ready for her close up!"
First of all I found out that this wasn't just a California thing, birth plans were the new rage. A way for the mother and father to enjoy and script the birth process - mood lighting, music, drugs, no drugs - write it all down so the nurse knows what to do to help the couple. I actually think the birth plan is something to keep the mother to be busy during those final weeks. More like busy work to help her pass the time - write down how you think you want the birth to go and make sure you bring it with you. It's kind of like pre-registering for the hospital - you fill out all the forms, but the nurse will still ask you all the questions.
I looked at the nurse and I looked at my belly - I said, "if you want my birth plan here it is - in about two weeks I plan to get this out of here through there in as little time as possible. I'll do whatever it takes, drugs, breathing, relaxing to keep it under three hours. Any questions?"
Let's just say my birth plan went according to schedule and in about three hours I gave birth to a healthy 9 lb baby girl. Now isn't that what everyone's birth plan should be - to give birth to a healthy baby? I understand that writing out this plan can try to help put some control and guidelines on an uncontrollable, highly painful and emotional situation.
I have actually had friends who cried because they didn't give birth the way they had planned it - maybe a c-section or maybe with drugs or things happened to quickly to be able to do what they thought they would. Writing out this plan can maybe help you feel like you can control what is new to you and what you may have never been through before, but it can also lead to regrets and feeling inadequate or like a failure when things don't go according to the birth plan.
You need to approach birth with an open mind and a willingness to do what is best for you and the baby. Yes it may be nice to theorize about how you would like it to go, but appreciate the moment have and cherish how it happens.”

#2
“Hi there. My name is ( )...My husband ( ) will be with me in labor. ( no significant others, boyfriends or other like surprises will attend).
I have heard stories about labor and delivery and have heard from more than one nurse and even one doctor that it is not like the baby channel. I get that, therefore...
I am open to drugs of any sort, any kind any time. This includes Ivs, epidurals, pills and anything else you have available. If I am standing in front of you for any reason on or near my due date and there is even a remote chance I am staying, I want my epidural just after I introduce myself. Seriously. I am NOT interested in a natural delivery. Not even one iota. Not one.
I am bottle feeding. It isn't popular I know but that's the way it is. So don't even try to talk me out of it. My mom has tried and failed. It isn't happening.
My husband is not interested in cutting the cord.
He is interested in simply remaining conscious.
I would like to labor down AFTER I get my epidural.
I don't want an epis but if I need one, feel free.
My mom is a nurse and she has always said whatever you do, make friends with your nurses. I am cool with that.
So, we both have an extended large family that can be really annoying.
Please don't tell my mom that or let her read our birth plan.
She is one of the annoying people.
She means well.
If any one in the family gets in the way of my nurse, feel free to tell them to leave.
If anyone speaks up or contradicts my nurse,
feel free to tell them to leave.
If I am in serious labor, ready to push or just in a bad way I want EVERYone out of my room.
(My husband and my nurse can stay, and the doctor too if the nurses think he should.)
And, if the family has to leave I don't want them hanging around outside my door trying to listen in.
They go to the family room or they go home.
My nurse is in charge of them.(thanks a million for that- I would rather my nurse field my mother than me. I have been trying to do that for 27 years).
The only way our baby gets a circ is if the pediatrician gives him some pain medicine, otherwise, no go.
If you can help in any way, cool.
Thanks a lot for all your help.
Nurses rule!”

So Mike & I have given it some thought, and came up with our "birth plan":

I begin to feel contractions, and they really don't hurt much at all. We arrive at the hospital where my water breaks right after we arrive in our room. I get the epidural which doesn't hurt at all, and now what little pain I had is gone. An hour or so goes by, and I am ready to push. The Doctor arrives, and after one push, the baby is out and healthy. I do not tear at all, I don't leak any gross fluids, and I feel like I can run a marathon. I immediately loose all the weight I have gained & then some. The baby takes to breastfeeding perfectly, and a day later we go home- still pain free!

What are my chances of that coming true?!